inkwellsoul

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 18:29:53 GMT

The sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way.
I smoke and I drink and every time I blink I have a tiny dream.
But as bad as I am I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore.
You walk through my walls like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.
And what can I say but I'm wired this way and you're wired to me
And what can I do but wallow in you unintentionally?
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
Regretfully, I guess I've got three simple things to say.
Why me? Why this now? Why this way?
Overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand
That is grey by an ocean that's grey.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

...

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 01:57:06 GMT

Is there something about the way I present myself that says 'please lie to me and pretend to be my friend, and then ditch me to hang out with other people'? Argh. I've had obscenely flakey friends lately. Or they invite me, but far too late for me to do anything about it. Cisco and I were discussing this last night, and its different when a friend is consistently flakey, because there's some intrinsic part of their personality that causes them to be so, than when a friend who was originally reliable sporadically changes.

Aside from that, I had an epic moment on friday. I was at Shannon's (and hopefully mine, eventually) guild drum circle/meeting (at which I was awkward and probably annoying, so I sat outside for a large chunk of it and chainsmoked, but would still like to go to more regardless), and I noticed a guy who looked vaguely like someone I used to know. It turned out, I did know him. At the time, it was a lot more mind-blowing than I'm making it sound, but when you haven't seen a person in four or five years, and never expect to see them again, and then they suddenly pop up, its a big WTF moment. Unfortunately, we figured out that we knew each other too late (I was leaving), so he took down my number, and theoretically we should hang out sometime.

Of course, now I'm doubting myself and wondering if he was as enthusiastic about seeing me again, and maybe I'm just doing that thing I do where I shove myself on people who, in reality, really don't care or want to hang out, but they will occasionally, just to be nice. And I know I obsess over this idea way more than I should, but with people, that really seems how it goes.

Goddamnit, in my head this was supposed to be a much more upbeat and pleasant post.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 07:44:47 GMT

I am pathetic.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 07:28:03 GMT

How goddamn appropriate.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:36:37 GMT

So yesterday I cut my hair, and dyed it purple in spots. Basically what I did with the blue last year, only the cut is a bit more extreme and noticeable.
Today we sold baskets at a market south of here...it was fun. Well, specifically Cisco sold baskets, Jon and I mostly just wandered around looking at things. There were llamas!

And. Dorian. Er.
I kinda broke up with Dorian yesterday. Kinda. Its complicated, goddamnit. >.>;

I think that's it for the news today.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:40:46 GMT

So, in the past couple of days,
Jess had a wonderful party that I puked my guts up at (the second time in ten years that I've vomited, and the first time because of alcohol-- of course, I consumed a good deal of high-proof stuff on an empty stomach, so it wasn't too surprising...),
Eric had a birthday, we bought airsoft guns and shot the shit out of each other (I never thought I'd enjoy guns so much, seeing as I'm kinda against them and all),
Dorian lost his job and totalled his car (he's amazing, but the car really wasn't his fault),
and I got pulled over for running a stop sign tonight. NOBODY STOPS AT THAT SIGN, YOU CUNT.

Whoooo. Long coupla days. This is what happens when I get five days off in a row. Damnit. I need to work more to compensate now.

Not to mention money...

If we had more money, I'd be up for an epic adventure of some sort, like Jon and Eric and I used to do, but-- I'm not the epic driving type, and we really can't afford the gas. At least I'm not in as much debt and shit as Eric and Dorian. I know all this will work itself out, life tends to, but its still a bit nerve-wracking and cigarette-needing while its happening. The irony is when I can afford it least, is when I smoke the most. Piss.

And then... I've slipped in and out of this weird stupor lately. Just this detachment from reality. Normally I can pick out the specific reason, but I honestly can't figure it out now. I don't mind. Its like catching a cold after a long period of healthiness-- an event that in itself is not normalcy, but allows one to recognise normalcy when it returns. Like seeing an old friend who's moved away. Enough with the similies.

I suppose thats it for now. Work has been surprisingly OK recently, especially after the whole suspension-thing. Not that that's going to continue, but its certainly pleasant while it happens. Kevin showed up at work randomly, and gave all the girls he used to work with a long-stemmed rose. It completely made my day. And Wendy, Jon, and I went out for gelato, because there's this place near the pier that sells it, and she didn't know where it was. Saturday Marco and I work together, so we're going to bring 'tonsa food' and maybe make work fun.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 10:54:46 GMT

I return! A number of things have happened since my last post, most notably:

-Christmas
-A cold and a flu
-Some fights
-Suspension
-Some depression
-A move
-A relapse into being a fangirl

Christmas was interesting, nobody slammed the door on us as my parents and I left my grandparents' place, so that was nice. It was still a bit awkward at times, there's nobody quite like family to make one feel unwelcome.
On the gifts side, I was pleased and surprised. I got a fieldguide to Irish faeries, some gloves that my mother (accidentally) stole, and some other things that I can't quite remember at the moment. But they were good. I swear.

I've wavered between being a nervous mess and disgustingly pleasant in these past couple weeks. I apologise to most people who've had to put up with me, and can assure you I'm in a (mostly) better state now.

I got suspended at work for my first time. For being sick and low sales. Fucking brilliant. I'm back now, but I was damned sure I was going to use that time to find myself another job. Did I? Of course not! I moved, instead. It was one of the most unpleasant moves so far, including that time we thought we were homeless for three days and my ps2 ended up permanently with Richard >.<; One tiny misunderstanding, and I break down like a fucking child. I vaguely remember saying things I now regret, not because they were spiteful, but because they were so self-pitying. Ugh. Mental note, if I'm going to break down, shove it aside til I can get myself somewhere alone.

But we're in the new place now, and I'm back at work. So life has/is working out the snags, as it tends to. I'm even on good terms with Gabe, and considering that I was so upset when he suspended me, its rather surprising. I ought to just get used to surprises. Yesterday I actually enjoyed myself at work, dear god.

Another surprise was my relapse into several different fandoms, primarily Trigun. I'd completely forgotten how...how...I don't know how to say it. Compelling? Tragic? Essentially, I'd forgotten how much I love Knives. So I ended up ranting for possibly half an hour today about how much the anime really didn't do his character justice, and... Yes. With this also comes a return to fanfiction. This is what I get for rereading an old fic on a whim, goddamnit. I'm really not sure if I can afford to get back into anime and manga again. It used to suck up a decent chunk of my money, and now that most of my pay goes toward rent and other things like eating... I'll have to just limit myself. Alas.

I've been in such a strange mood for the past two days. Last night I almost felt drunk, the way I stared out into the rain and felt so happy, and then suddenly my cigarette was done, and I had to light another.

Life is strange.

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 19:10:45 GMT

So is it just me, or has the world gone batshit crazy over the past few days?

I dropped my ipod in a toilet (I'm hoping Carl can help me out, because he works at an Apple store. Maybe this means he can wave magic wands and make things better?),
apparently he told my parents he used to have a thing for me (bit out of no where),
Chris, Norman, Sandy, Isabelle, Nathan, Tony, Lachi, and Rick arrived, all from different areas of the country, all in the middle of the night,
I had the two-hour customer from hell (she'd rave about how incredible my drawing was, but I still had to redraw it, because it wasn't bloody PERFECT),
I swear something happened on Sunday, but I can't remember what it was,
after eating fast food on Christmas Eve, a car FLEW OFF THE FREEWAY (through the metal guardrail and a chainlink fence) onto the street I was on and proceeded to do a 360, landing perpendicular to the road (it was an impressive accident, I swerved into a nearby car park to talk to run over and call emergency services),
Dorian locked his keys in his car and at two thirty am, I had to drive out to Joel's house and unlock his door for him,
then texted Eric,
noticed a car on the side of the road that had also been in an accident (and a very bent stop sign),
and hung out with Eric for the rest of the night, drove around for an hour and a half before we found an open place to eat,
and noticed that a major intersection was blocked off by police vehicles.

I think that was it.

Happy Christmas

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:28:46 GMT

I'm still around!!!

Newest projects:

Processing
Successfully syncing my phone with my computer.
Embodiment

EDIT 9:10 pm: Sorry, I fixed the first link >.<

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 06:16:02 GMT

Happeee birthdaaaay to meeee.

...
Also, spontaneous emergency surgery sucks, but recovering from surgery on one's birthday sucks more, haha.
But its not so bad, Lesley, Nick, Phil, and of course Dorian and Jon, are over ^_^

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 05:57:58 GMT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Drama. *dies*

I decide what I really want to do is not just find another apartment, but find another apartment in a whole other damn city. Not here. Noooo more.

These people, they kill me. Person A hates person B and person C punched person D who is friends with person B but not A or C, and nobody really likes person E but tolerates them, because person E is friends with C, and person F is screwing D's mother who likes it, but only on tuesdays.

None of that is based on real people, except for maybe person C punching D. I feel like all that happens with these people is drama. I feel twenty years older than all these people. I feel twenty thousand miles away from all these people.

In other news, I may take my driving exam tomorrow. Yes, I'm a late one.

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 07:21:43 GMT

Agh, I'm crazy

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 10:30:43 GMT

I kind of feel like a stalker sometimes. I think I just never got the hang of 'being friendly', so when I try to, it comes off as creepy. Its just, I don't want to nag someone to hang out with me, but at the same time, I want to make them realise that I do, indeed, want to hang out with them. And then I make somewhat-retarded decisions about who to hang out with, for instance, a friend that I don't hang out with very often but always says they'll call (and never does), versus a friend I see all the time and talk to a lot, inviting me somewhere on the same night...I would tend to choose the former, on the logic of trying to cultivate a friend out of an acquaintance. I've made this decision time and time again, and yet I still don't grasp the concept of NOT ditching the reliable friend for the flake.
Well, all in all it was a good night, at least. Of course, any night involving donuts is a good night ^_^
Not to mention I got to pee next to a dumpster.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 10:44:56 GMT

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 10:24:01 GMT

Once again a late-night post. The guys are asleep, I'm just sitting in the living room typing away and contemplating another cigarette, because thinking about school makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about school makes me think about work, and thinking about work makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about work makes me think about money, and thinking about money makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about money makes me think of rent and health insurance....... And so on.

On a not-much-discussed note, my father will probably be going in for surgery on his arm. Which will be the second surgery he's had this year for completely unrelated things >.>; And, just, all the shit's hitting the fan for a lot of things.

It seems so difficult to live sometimes. Nothing is ever certain. People I've known, jobs I've held, places I've lived, have all been unstable in the long run, usually through random chance. Or possibly choice, in the case of the people. Hell, mental health and memories have even failed me before. And yet, somehow things seem to go on. I don't know, *yawn*

I ought to just go to sleep now.

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 09:57:15 GMT

So, its kinda cold. We had the windows and doors open at the apartment tonight, because we came home to a house smelling like Dorian's feet, which turned out to be a thing of old meat he left sitting there. I swear, between him and his cooking, when we're over I'll have become both a lesbian and a vegetarian. Alas.

Jon and I curled up under green blankets, his dark green and mine a bright lime, and played Timesplitters for a while, which was fun. I would not, under any circumstances, survive the zombie apocalypse. I don't know why, but my right hand is freezing but my left hand is fine... O.o; At any rate, we (and by we, I mean he) made a map specifically for killing zombies with plasma grenades. It was fun and explosive.
Eh. I really want a cigarette, but I'm sick and its cold. Decisions, decisions.

I love autumn. And winter. But right now we're in autumn, so I shall focus on that. Its like coming home, provided one likes one's home, after being away for a while... The chill in the air, expecting winter's arrival. The death and gestation period for the rebirth of the earth in spring. I can't wait til it starts raining a bit more. Apparently Dorian and Jon have never been ice skating, so this winter it's my mission to take them, because being twenty-one and having never ice skated before is just unthinkable. And I didn't even grow up in a city that snowed.

I'm in a bizarre mood. I don't know what I'm doing, but I have this feeling of...expectation? Everyone else is asleep, but (obviously) I'm still awake. I alternate between this, and falling asleep very early. I'm either a narcoleptic or insomniac.

I want to meet new people, but I'm scared of talking too much and seeming creepy. And then, I can't decide if I'm over-sensitive or oblivious. Sometimes I think its better to be one or the other, but mostly I just don't know.

I have this book in my head...I think the illustrations were in black and white. All I can remember is the characters went into an empty house, I think there was something about ghosts, but I can't recall. Just the blank walls that stared up at me from off the paper.

Oh man. I shouldn't try to make sense when I'm sick >.>;

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 11:20:12 GMT

Boy, sometimes I wish I wasn't such a night owl, heh. I love it but it makes it so difficult to stay active in the daytime.

I'm trying to get a job at Barnes and Noble, and I did the smart thing of staying up til four or five the night before the interview. I set the alarm, finally plopped into bed, and next thing I know-- I'm waking up to banging on my door, and my clock says 11:55. When I set the alarm for 10:30. And I have the interview at noon. Needless to say, I was late, but considering I woke up from a stupor, managed to make my physical appearance suitable for an interview, and had to battle midday rush traffic, I'd say I did a remarkable job getting there at 12:06 (I checked when I arrived). At any rate, I didn't get the interview, and the guy I spoke to claimed they would call me for another appointment. Yeah. Okay. In other words, I'm pretty damn sure I blew it.

*Dramatic sigh*

At any rate. Good things are happening too, I swear. I mean, I didn't stay up til four in the morning that night for no reason (like tonight...haha). Jon and I sat on our respective computers for a while, then decided to take an Epic Walk that lasted several hours (big surprise), through a rather large-ish grove of trees near where we live. We started off with the Staircase of Doom, which I think a sadist thought up; the only stairs I've climbed that were comparable were the stairs by the Sacré Cœur. We paused before starting down for me to put out my cigarette, and who pops out of the bushes? This little grey and white kitty I've nicknamed Schrödinger, because sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not. I had promised myself I'd take him home next time I saw him wandering around the car park at night, but Jon pointed out he looked far too well-taken care of to be a stray. But honestly, letting your pet wander around at night, with no collar, unfixed, is just asking for trouble. It is extraordinarily irresponsible, and they shouldn't be surprised if their kitty disappears... to my home. Alas, cats cost money, even free ones. He walked with us for maybe half an hour, before finally disappearing into the bushes. The rest of the walk was less eventful. We got mad when we saw how many trees had been cut down, because of fire hazard. And we got to see a coyote run by, which freaked us out because of the kitty. And then we talked, for the rest of the time.

I should get to bed. Three consecutive nights of staying up this late are pretty much destroying my resolve to squish myself into a 'normal' (heh) sleeping pattern.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:02:06 GMT

Why do relationships have to suck?
You are not original.

Next person I date is female.

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 07:47:26 GMT

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 06:46:09 GMT

I'm so sick of everything right now.
Everybody's anger and uptightness.
We're all supposed to be friends. Do we need to be stoned to get along or something?
Why the fuck is it so difficult to cooperate? On a few simple things, that everybody agrees on, until it applies to THEM?
Where is your dignity, you self righteous prick?
Don't dare take it out on me, simply because I've worked so fucking hard on taming my anger, and so you think I don't get angry.
Our home will literally be destroyed if you push me.
Don't.
I've been 'difficult' lately? What the bloody hell does that mean? I've been more outgoing in my opinion? Heaven-fucking-forbid I say what I really think.
And I think a lot. If you are under the impression I've let a few of my thoughts slide, an iceberg comparison isn't even in order. Its more like the Titanic-- its all underwater, with a few measly humans escaping.
I don't have my art, I don't have my cats, I hardly have time for my books and writing, is it any wonder I've been smoking more? Has it occurred to you how long I've been without those things?
IS SOMEBODY HERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION I'M PERFECT?
And you only had to live with me to find my vices?
I don't hide them. I'm far too aware of them.
I don't pretend. I just don't freak out at EVERY little FUCKING thing, like you lot do.
You should be damn thankful I'm not able to drive. I'm not too sure I'd still be here.
And does anybody listen to my whining? I play shrink to everybody else. The only people who ARE interested are only so they may twist my opinions to theirs. Turning my venting into theirs, so I listen quietly, disagreeing with much but still letting them state their mind. As they should be able to. As I should be able to.
And how many people read this, even? And don't just write it off as nothing, because its not like I ever have anything to say.
I can be whiny, I can have my moments of weakness, I can be lonely and self-pitying and self-loathing. I can be pissed, angry, hurt.
I can be human, too.

'I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.'

Thu, 17 May 2007 07:55:01 GMT

Thu, 17 May 2007 07:15:17 GMT

I wish I knew someone who knew how to be a proper friend, so I felt like an equal with them.
I want what I feel like I am to other people. What I want to be, at the least.
I would like someone more than an acquaintance, without feeling like there are ulterior motives.
Someone who will listen to my selfish neurotic rants.

Its a bit bad when your most positive thing is work. Work which makes you lose sleep and wake up with bags under your eyes, because you have been a night person all your life and love it, and for work you have to get up at five thirty in the morning.
But while you're there, things are good. There's responsibility, things to be done, a purpose, help, maturity.

That's nowhere else in my life right now.

Sat, 05 May 2007 07:08:16 GMT

So, blah. Lots and lots of shit has been happening.

Warning: ranting.

I'm not even sure where to begin. I wandered around Europe for the better part of last month, which was absolutely brilliant. Paris, Amsterdam (and some other miscellaneous cities in the Netherlands), and Rome (with my cousin from Germany, who speaks English fairly well, I speak absolutely no German, and neither of us speaks any Italian). I also took a forty(ish)-minute train into London, hung out in Camden Town, spent all my money on books, comics, and alcohol, and ended up missing the last train home. So I spent the night on the street outside King's Cross, which would have been fairly interesting, if I hadn't had to pee so badly, and nowhere with a toilet was open...

The entire time I was adventuring there was a little reminder in the back of my mind that we still had to be out of our place by the third of May, and that I was still unemployed. Everything was so far removed from my problems, but it was there.

So two weeks ago I got home again, and guess what-- like I expected, the boys did nothing to start finding a new place to live. Jon is completely clueless when it comes to this stuff, not that I should have any reason to be less clueless, but for whatever reason he's under the impression I am. Therefore, it all falls to...me. We found some things that looked promising, but then I had to leave again, to (an amazing three-day concert in) the middle of the desert in California. It was around 108F/42C in the daytime, I was literally dripping sweat. Especially when packed in amongst a million other bodies, dancing in the sun. I am now TAN. Or at least have funny tanlines... And between the end of the last performance sunday night, and when I got home monday, we lost our place to live. Apparently there was a notice on our door, Dorian called Jon and Jon called the guy we're subletting from, and he said 'HAY GUYS JUST KIDDING, LOL. YOU DON'T HAVE THREE MORE DAYS. MY BAD. KTHNXBAI.'

When I returned home, we were homeless.

So that was a fun fucking night, packing and cleaning til around six in the morning tuesday. Because I wasn't fucking STRESSED enough. So, now, our options for finding other places are gone, we get to start all over. Last week was mainly us trying to regroup and recover, and naturally, as people like to do in this situation, everybody's been acting like GODDAMNED CHILDREN. I love being shat on by the universe, or fate, or, hell, even 'god' if that's what it is. And then having everyone expect me to play mummy to them. THERE'S A REASON I'M NOT HAVING CHILDREN, FOLKS.

It gets better-- sarcastically, or seriously, depending on how you look at it-- because after we went through all that, we get another call that said 'LOLerz!!11!!!one!!1 NVMND, YOU HAVE ANOTHER MONTH. TYPO. SRY HAHA.'

AFTER we found a place to put our shit.
AFTER I'd spent at least four hours CLEANING the goddamned place.
AFTER calling Eric, Richard, Mike, Cisco, and Quin to move our stuff out.

I started laughing really hard, and then I started crying.

Oh yeah, and my futon's broken. Its a really flimsy bed now. And I'm sick. I have a cough that's gotten me close to vomiting a few times. Eric and Dorian are ~~hardly~~ not talking. Jon hurt his hand (again) punching Cisco's truck. I have no health insurance. My father's depressed, because a month ago he lost his job because he 'took too many days off' when he was IN THE HOSPITAL for most of those.

Christ, that's just the tip of the fucking iceberg. Pardon the overused metaphor, but sometimes, there's a reason its overused.

There are bright sides, too. Some very incredible things have happened, that I hope I'll be able to keep in my memory as little moments in time where life was, for a moment, infinite. I want to compile them all in notebook one day, so I can look back and think-- this was my life. There was drama, there was shit, but these were the moments where everything was free. And they're just as much a part of me as all the sludge.

And now the major crisis has passed, the cusp of events.

So I'm sitting alone in the studio, with my futon, my bags, an umbrella, and my laptop. There's a puddle on the ground and the toilet doesn't work, but I'm here and we can figure this shit out.

Its these times that make up life. This is the time I'll be looking back on, years from now. Youth and hot tempers, cigarettes and long nights.

And, er, we have grunions in an energy drink can in the freezer. Apparently. o.O

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:47:23 GMT

I feel like this:

mreeble.

On a side note, Cisco and I went to Disneyland for free today thanks to his gay uncle being a choreographer there. I don't think I would have gone if it hadn't been free, it was for his little sister's birthday. We somehow won free hats with mouse ears on them, merely by being at the right place at the right time. And they say cutting in line is bad... (Yeah, we're bastards, what can I say. It was the Matterhorn and the line was insane.)

My cough still hasn't gone away, but I don't feel like reality is going to dissolve at any moment, either. So I take that as a sign I'm getting better (which I think is the tea I've been guzzling). I want to stop being sick. I want a lot of things right now. Aah, patience. I don't know if that 'aah' was onomatepia for a sigh or a scream.

I have a lot of things to think of about. Driving yesterday went pretty well, I suppose. I enjoy driving greatly. But afterward, when I had to... just, deal with the parents like when I was living at home, it made me very grateful that I'm not anymore. Every now and then I'll get these little revelations-- I am, in a sense, free. I don't have to live in Southern California anymore. I'm not going to school, I don't have a job, I'm not required to live near my parents. Granted, I'm not going to move, because it's simply impractical. But at the same time, it's not impossible, either.

I want a car, because then I can search for a job more easily, and it would give me a wider range of possibilities. For instance, I could go back to portraits without having to deal with my mother. But I can't buy a car, because I can't buy a car and still pay rent, because I don't have a job. But in order to faciliate getting a job, I need a car. Blaaargh. Maybe if I get desperate enough, Cisco will let me drive his ~~deathtrap~~ truck while he's at school, even though I still only have my permit.

I shall break now for phone and... I don't know. Maybe bed.

RETURN @ 01:22: Not bed. Not yet. I still have things unrambled.

I get fixated on things. Today, I realised its not so much a fixation on random things as it is goals. Believe it or not, that came as a bit of a shock. I've never seen myself as much as a goal person. In fact, I can be rather anti-goal sometimes, and would rather just see where things take me, and act on the moment. More often than not, when I act on the moment, it's what I would have chosen had I planned it all along. But today it struck me, that what I've always thought of in my head as 'fixations,' another person might call something different. From primary school, my 'fixation' has been moving out. In mid-January, I finally accomplished this. As soon as that happened, I began thinking of a car, and that is now my current 'fixation.'

A difference, though, between 'goals' and 'fixations:' I don't choose my fixations for their value in bettering my life. Simply enough, it's just that I can't get them out of my head. Anything and everything, beneficial or harmful, leads back to that single fixation in my mind. It gets to the point where I almost can't function on a 'normal' level until said fixation is complete. The moving-out fixation is a good example of this, though I can think of other fixations that were not so intense.

Basically, what this all means is: prepare to hear a lot of bitching about not having a car in the future.

I shut my eyes and all the world stops dead.

I hope no one has noticed how loopy I've gotten in the last week. Yes, I realise the irony of me writing this in livejournal, which a few friends from so-called RL do read sometimes. But I really have, and it's not just because I've been sick. I'm blaming it on that, of course.

The way I can judge my mental health is by my motivation for hygiene upkeep. I have not showered since last saturday, and since then I've been to a deathmetal concert and a theme park (last sunday, and today). YES, I know this is utterly disgusting. Really. I KNOW. It's just not enough for me to get up and bother with all that. There's always some reason why I should do it tomorrow, instead of tonight, or tonight, instead of this morning. Right now, I'm tired and as I'm recoving from a bad cold/flu hybrid, I'd rather not sleep with wet hair with the windows open. I could close the windows, but that would trap the mold smell from the broken garbage disposal. And there's still the fact that I'm tired. Not enough to stop typing, but that requires less energy... And it goes on and on. I can come up with a thousand reasons why I should put it off-- but only til tonight, or tomorrow. Or tomorrow night, since I'll be doing something that will get me dirty tomorrow anyway, and then that'd just be a waste of time, if I'm going to get dirty again, but tomorrow night I'm tired, so maybe in the morning...

I want to find that quote from the Bell Jar that addresses something similar. It comforted me, the first time I read it, to know that I wasn't the only one who's thought in this manner. Yesterday I was going to buy that book, because even when I need to watch spending I can't stop the book buying, but I got distracted and bought other books instead. I'm probably the only person who would read Satre on the ride to Disneyland.

I need an escape for a bit.

Time for sleep, I guess?

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 11:41:55 GMT

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure where I should go. I mean, theoretically, I know this is where I begin to piece together that feeling of security that I had a little while ago. Winnie wants me back, and is willing to give me options I previously didn't have when I used to draw portraits with her. I want to move on, though. I think. I want to-- grab a Vespa and take the highway north. Just, get out of here. Start over somewhere else where I don't have the ghosts of my failures following me around like lost children.
Even as I type this, I know its impractical. Improbable. I'll still have the same past, I'll still be the same person. And I still need my license.
There's that part of me persistent in thinking that way, though. And honestly, I think one of the main things holding me back are the people I know here. Given the way life goes, that's a pretty shallow reason for staying somewhere. People that I most likely won't know or talk to in a couple of years. And yet, it's there.
Ironic-- one of the few things that comforted me, after I returned home from walking under the recently rained sky on monday. After I learned I was now unemployed. There, waiting for me at the apartment, was Eric, Jon, Cisco, Mike, Lane, Devon, Dorian (and Tammy, Beth, and Esther). They came to cheer me, with pizza that they didn't let me pay for and ice cream as a surprise. Why 'ironic'?
It wasn't so much that Doug's words hurt me, it was that I wondered if he was right. Maybe their behaviour toward me, and my job, did mean that none of them had respect for me. All it takes is that initial seed of self-doubt, and it sprouts the whole choking vine.
I'm not really trying to form my thoughts into coherency. Mostly because, this is more for me than for you.
I keep coughing, and I'm worried I'm keeping Cisco up. He has school tomorrow. But if I stop writing now, I won't start again, I'll forget about this post, and it will never be complete.
I feel like a mess. And it hasn't really hit me yet-- I have no income. I have. No. Income. I can't spend any more money on things that aren't absolutely necessary.
In a way, I wonder if I like this. If maybe I'm milking it, just a tad. This is a drama, this is a comedy, this is a tragedy, my friends. Welcome to the theatre today, see what's in store.
There's that line between self-expression and self-absorbed. Or are they just the same thing?
How many people that I currently see everyday, talk with, eat with, laugh with, smoke with, how many would actually go to the trouble of finding me if I left? There's only two or three that I'd honestly hope for an effort from.
Does it MATTER what will happen in the future? They are considered my friends now. And tomorrow, Mike said he'd take me jobhunting, so I ought to get to bed.