The sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way.
I smoke and I drink and every time I blink I have a tiny dream.
But as bad as I am I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore.
You walk through my walls like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.
And what can I say but I'm wired this way and you're wired to me
And what can I do but wallow in you unintentionally?
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
Regretfully, I guess I've got three simple things to say.
Why me? Why this now? Why this way?
Overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand
That is grey by an ocean that's grey.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.


...


I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Is there something about the way I present myself that says 'please lie to me and pretend to be my friend, and then ditch me to hang out with other people'? Argh. I've had obscenely flakey friends lately. Or they invite me, but far too late for me to do anything about it. Cisco and I were discussing this last night, and its different when a friend is consistently flakey, because there's some intrinsic part of their personality that causes them to be so, than when a friend who was originally reliable sporadically changes.

Aside from that, I had an epic moment on friday. I was at Shannon's (and hopefully mine, eventually) guild drum circle/meeting (at which I was awkward and probably annoying, so I sat outside for a large chunk of it and chainsmoked, but would still like to go to more regardless), and I noticed a guy who looked vaguely like someone I used to know. It turned out, I did know him. At the time, it was a lot more mind-blowing than I'm making it sound, but when you haven't seen a person in four or five years, and never expect to see them again, and then they suddenly pop up, its a big WTF moment. Unfortunately, we figured out that we knew each other too late (I was leaving), so he took down my number, and theoretically we should hang out sometime.

Of course, now I'm doubting myself and wondering if he was as enthusiastic about seeing me again, and maybe I'm just doing that thing I do where I shove myself on people who, in reality, really don't care or want to hang out, but they will occasionally, just to be nice. And I know I obsess over this idea way more than I should, but with people, that really seems how it goes.

Goddamnit, in my head this was supposed to be a much more upbeat and pleasant post.

How goddamn appropriate.

So yesterday I cut my hair, and dyed it purple in spots. Basically what I did with the blue last year, only the cut is a bit more extreme and noticeable.
Today we sold baskets at a market south of here...it was fun. Well, specifically Cisco sold baskets, Jon and I mostly just wandered around looking at things. There were llamas!

And. Dorian. Er.
I kinda broke up with Dorian yesterday. Kinda. Its complicated, goddamnit. >.>;

I think that's it for the news today.

So, in the past couple of days,
Jess had a wonderful party that I puked my guts up at (the second time in ten years that I've vomited, and the first time because of alcohol-- of course, I consumed a good deal of high-proof stuff on an empty stomach, so it wasn't too surprising...),
Eric had a birthday, we bought airsoft guns and shot the shit out of each other (I never thought I'd enjoy guns so much, seeing as I'm kinda against them and all),
Dorian lost his job and totalled his car (he's amazing, but the car really wasn't his fault),
and I got pulled over for running a stop sign tonight. NOBODY STOPS AT THAT SIGN, YOU CUNT.

Whoooo. Long coupla days. This is what happens when I get five days off in a row. Damnit. I need to work more to compensate now.

Not to mention money...

If we had more money, I'd be up for an epic adventure of some sort, like Jon and Eric and I used to do, but-- I'm not the epic driving type, and we really can't afford the gas. At least I'm not in as much debt and shit as Eric and Dorian. I know all this will work itself out, life tends to, but its still a bit nerve-wracking and cigarette-needing while its happening. The irony is when I can afford it least, is when I smoke the most. Piss.

And then... I've slipped in and out of this weird stupor lately. Just this detachment from reality. Normally I can pick out the specific reason, but I honestly can't figure it out now. I don't mind. Its like catching a cold after a long period of healthiness-- an event that in itself is not normalcy, but allows one to recognise normalcy when it returns. Like seeing an old friend who's moved away. Enough with the similies.

I suppose thats it for now. Work has been surprisingly OK recently, especially after the whole suspension-thing. Not that that's going to continue, but its certainly pleasant while it happens. Kevin showed up at work randomly, and gave all the girls he used to work with a long-stemmed rose. It completely made my day. And Wendy, Jon, and I went out for gelato, because there's this place near the pier that sells it, and she didn't know where it was. Saturday Marco and I work together, so we're going to bring 'tonsa food' and maybe make work fun.

I return! A number of things have happened since my last post, most notably:

-Christmas
-A cold and a flu
-Some fights
-Suspension
-Some depression
-A move
-A relapse into being a fangirl

Christmas was interesting, nobody slammed the door on us as my parents and I left my grandparents' place, so that was nice. It was still a bit awkward at times, there's nobody quite like family to make one feel unwelcome.
On the gifts side, I was pleased and surprised. I got a fieldguide to Irish faeries, some gloves that my mother (accidentally) stole, and some other things that I can't quite remember at the moment. But they were good. I swear.

I've wavered between being a nervous mess and disgustingly pleasant in these past couple weeks. I apologise to most people who've had to put up with me, and can assure you I'm in a (mostly) better state now.

I got suspended at work for my first time. For being sick and low sales. Fucking brilliant. I'm back now, but I was damned sure I was going to use that time to find myself another job. Did I? Of course not! I moved, instead. It was one of the most unpleasant moves so far, including that time we thought we were homeless for three days and my ps2 ended up permanently with Richard >.<; One tiny misunderstanding, and I break down like a fucking child. I vaguely remember saying things I now regret, not because they were spiteful, but because they were so self-pitying. Ugh. Mental note, if I'm going to break down, shove it aside til I can get myself somewhere alone.

But we're in the new place now, and I'm back at work. So life has/is working out the snags, as it tends to. I'm even on good terms with Gabe, and considering that I was so upset when he suspended me, its rather surprising. I ought to just get used to surprises. Yesterday I actually enjoyed myself at work, dear god.

Another surprise was my relapse into several different fandoms, primarily Trigun. I'd completely forgotten how...how...I don't know how to say it. Compelling? Tragic? Essentially, I'd forgotten how much I love Knives. So I ended up ranting for possibly half an hour today about how much the anime really didn't do his character justice, and... Yes. With this also comes a return to fanfiction. This is what I get for rereading an old fic on a whim, goddamnit. I'm really not sure if I can afford to get back into anime and manga again. It used to suck up a decent chunk of my money, and now that most of my pay goes toward rent and other things like eating... I'll have to just limit myself. Alas.

I've been in such a strange mood for the past two days. Last night I almost felt drunk, the way I stared out into the rain and felt so happy, and then suddenly my cigarette was done, and I had to light another.

Life is strange.

So is it just me, or has the world gone batshit crazy over the past few days?

I dropped my ipod in a toilet (I'm hoping Carl can help me out, because he works at an Apple store. Maybe this means he can wave magic wands and make things better?),
apparently he told my parents he used to have a thing for me (bit out of no where),
Chris, Norman, Sandy, Isabelle, Nathan, Tony, Lachi, and Rick arrived, all from different areas of the country, all in the middle of the night,
I had the two-hour customer from hell (she'd rave about how incredible my drawing was, but I still had to redraw it, because it wasn't bloody PERFECT),
I swear something happened on Sunday, but I can't remember what it was,
after eating fast food on Christmas Eve, a car FLEW OFF THE FREEWAY (through the metal guardrail and a chainlink fence) onto the street I was on and proceeded to do a 360, landing perpendicular to the road (it was an impressive accident, I swerved into a nearby car park to talk to run over and call emergency services),
Dorian locked his keys in his car and at two thirty am, I had to drive out to Joel's house and unlock his door for him,
then texted Eric,
noticed a car on the side of the road that had also been in an accident (and a very bent stop sign),
and hung out with Eric for the rest of the night, drove around for an hour and a half before we found an open place to eat,
and noticed that a major intersection was blocked off by police vehicles.

I think that was it.

Happy Christmas

I'm still around!!!

Newest projects:

Processing
Successfully syncing my phone with my computer.
Embodiment

EDIT 9:10 pm: Sorry, I fixed the first link >.<

Happeee birthdaaaay to meeee.


...
Also, spontaneous emergency surgery sucks, but recovering from surgery on one's birthday sucks more, haha.
But its not so bad, Lesley, Nick, Phil, and of course Dorian and Jon, are over ^_^

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Drama. *dies*

I decide what I really want to do is not just find another apartment, but find another apartment in a whole other damn city. Not here. Noooo more.

These people, they kill me. Person A hates person B and person C punched person D who is friends with person B but not A or C, and nobody really likes person E but tolerates them, because person E is friends with C, and person F is screwing D's mother who likes it, but only on tuesdays.

None of that is based on real people, except for maybe person C punching D. I feel like all that happens with these people is drama. I feel twenty years older than all these people. I feel twenty thousand miles away from all these people.

In other news, I may take my driving exam tomorrow. Yes, I'm a late one.

Agh, I'm crazy

I kind of feel like a stalker sometimes. I think I just never got the hang of 'being friendly', so when I try to, it comes off as creepy. Its just, I don't want to nag someone to hang out with me, but at the same time, I want to make them realise that I do, indeed, want to hang out with them. And then I make somewhat-retarded decisions about who to hang out with, for instance, a friend that I don't hang out with very often but always says they'll call (and never does), versus a friend I see all the time and talk to a lot, inviting me somewhere on the same night...I would tend to choose the former, on the logic of trying to cultivate a friend out of an acquaintance. I've made this decision time and time again, and yet I still don't grasp the concept of NOT ditching the reliable friend for the flake.
Well, all in all it was a good night, at least. Of course, any night involving donuts is a good night ^_^
Not to mention I got to pee next to a dumpster.

Once again a late-night post. The guys are asleep, I'm just sitting in the living room typing away and contemplating another cigarette, because thinking about school makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about school makes me think about work, and thinking about work makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about work makes me think about money, and thinking about money makes me stressed out, and thinking about why I'm stressed out about money makes me think of rent and health insurance....... And so on.

On a not-much-discussed note, my father will probably be going in for surgery on his arm. Which will be the second surgery he's had this year for completely unrelated things >.>; And, just, all the shit's hitting the fan for a lot of things.

It seems so difficult to live sometimes. Nothing is ever certain. People I've known, jobs I've held, places I've lived, have all been unstable in the long run, usually through random chance. Or possibly choice, in the case of the people. Hell, mental health and memories have even failed me before. And yet, somehow things seem to go on. I don't know, *yawn*

I ought to just go to sleep now.

So, its kinda cold. We had the windows and doors open at the apartment tonight, because we came home to a house smelling like Dorian's feet, which turned out to be a thing of old meat he left sitting there. I swear, between him and his cooking, when we're over I'll have become both a lesbian and a vegetarian. Alas.

Jon and I curled up under green blankets, his dark green and mine a bright lime, and played Timesplitters for a while, which was fun. I would not, under any circumstances, survive the zombie apocalypse. I don't know why, but my right hand is freezing but my left hand is fine... O.o; At any rate, we (and by we, I mean he) made a map specifically for killing zombies with plasma grenades. It was fun and explosive.
Eh. I really want a cigarette, but I'm sick and its cold. Decisions, decisions.

I love autumn. And winter. But right now we're in autumn, so I shall focus on that. Its like coming home, provided one likes one's home, after being away for a while... The chill in the air, expecting winter's arrival. The death and gestation period for the rebirth of the earth in spring. I can't wait til it starts raining a bit more. Apparently Dorian and Jon have never been ice skating, so this winter it's my mission to take them, because being twenty-one and having never ice skated before is just unthinkable. And I didn't even grow up in a city that snowed.

I'm in a bizarre mood. I don't know what I'm doing, but I have this feeling of...expectation? Everyone else is asleep, but (obviously) I'm still awake. I alternate between this, and falling asleep very early. I'm either a narcoleptic or insomniac.

I want to meet new people, but I'm scared of talking too much and seeming creepy. And then, I can't decide if I'm over-sensitive or oblivious. Sometimes I think its better to be one or the other, but mostly I just don't know.

I have this book in my head...I think the illustrations were in black and white. All I can remember is the characters went into an empty house, I think there was something about ghosts, but I can't recall. Just the blank walls that stared up at me from off the paper.

Oh man. I shouldn't try to make sense when I'm sick >.>;

Boy, sometimes I wish I wasn't such a night owl, heh. I love it but it makes it so difficult to stay active in the daytime.
( I'm trying to get a job... )

Why do relationships have to suck?
You are not original.


Next person I date is female.

I'm so sick of everything right now.
Everybody's anger and uptightness.
We're all supposed to be friends. Do we need to be stoned to get along or something?
Why the fuck is it so difficult to cooperate? On a few simple things, that everybody agrees on, until it applies to THEM?
Where is your dignity, you self righteous prick?
Don't dare take it out on me, simply because I've worked so fucking hard on taming my anger, and so you think I don't get angry.
Our home will literally be destroyed if you push me.
Don't.
I've been 'difficult' lately? What the bloody hell does that mean? I've been more outgoing in my opinion? Heaven-fucking-forbid I say what I really think.
And I think a lot. If you are under the impression I've let a few of my thoughts slide, an iceberg comparison isn't even in order. Its more like the Titanic-- its all underwater, with a few measly humans escaping.
I don't have my art, I don't have my cats, I hardly have time for my books and writing, is it any wonder I've been smoking more? Has it occurred to you how long I've been without those things?
IS SOMEBODY HERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION I'M PERFECT?
And you only had to live with me to find my vices?
I don't hide them. I'm far too aware of them.
I don't pretend. I just don't freak out at EVERY little FUCKING thing, like you lot do.
You should be damn thankful I'm not able to drive. I'm not too sure I'd still be here.
And does anybody listen to my whining? I play shrink to everybody else. The only people who ARE interested are only so they may twist my opinions to theirs. Turning my venting into theirs, so I listen quietly, disagreeing with much but still letting them state their mind. As they should be able to. As I should be able to.
And how many people read this, even? And don't just write it off as nothing, because its not like I ever have anything to say.
I can be whiny, I can have my moments of weakness, I can be lonely and self-pitying and self-loathing. I can be pissed, angry, hurt.
I can be human, too.


'I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.'